What it Feels Like for a Girl: A Story of Violence
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There are questions - a lot of them. I don't have answers to most of these questions. There is one thing that I am sure of, & it is that I am a body, & a mind. I might be more than that, but my own organic composition is the one thing that I can be sure of. There is air in my lungs, & a beating heart in my chest. The rest are just question marks.
Control Over My Body
To have freedom & dominion over my own person, where my body is & what my body is doing, seems, to me, to be the most basic of rights, & is a right that I feel strongly should be afforded to us all. Are we not all autonomous beings living in a free country?
It is by faith, however, that this "right" exists. I have faith that I will be afforded this supposed autonomy. It is a subconscious act of faith in humanity that I feel I am able to live in freedom & come out unscathed. It is this subconscious faith that I have taken for granted, & it is in the spirit of mourning that I am reminded that autonomy is indeed an act of faith, not a right.
Freedom Only Exists in the Dictionary
We are animals. We interact symbolically so we think we are more than animals, but like a domesticated dog that suddenly turns on his owner, we are capable of wild feats of animal like instinct. It is the animal in me that knows at a spindly 119 lbs, I am the underdog. Out-weighed by 100 lbs, cornered in a space that he has decided is not mine to occupy, I am the underdog.
He comes at me snarling, as his own animal works him into a fury over an imagined slight, & all at once, I am out of options - the "right" of autonomy & dominion over my own self stripped from from me... that is where fear lies.
I wanted to stand, but he had other ideas, & now I am no longer sure of the things that I am, but am positive that I am in over head, & that trusting was an error. I am a body, & in the animal kingdom I have no rights.
So I cower. I stay down & I wait. The storm cannot last forever.
Another Storm Passes
The clouds clear, & it was like there was never storm. I am allowed to stand. I keep my eyes lowered & I apologize. The error was mine, & mine alone. I am sorry. His fury has abetted, but my freedom goes with it. I am small, I am not free, my body is not mine.
This is what it feels like for a girl.
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