He Married me for A Green Card
I was young & desperate to be an adult. I was 19-years-old, a fresh faced country girl & I was loose in the big city.
I was working a minimum wage, cash in hand waitressing job. It was hard work but I wasn't earning enough to cover my bills, so I took a second job at a car wash. I had only one or two friends from TAFE (a technical school here in Australia), I spent most of my time at home in isolation & I was depressed.
Being a couple of years older than most of my class, I felt like I had to act more like an adult. The “adults” I knew who were happy, where all married. But me, I didn't even have a boyfriend, let alone the confidence to get one! I was convinced though, once I found a man I would be happy & my life would all come together.
A Marriage for Citizenship
Meeting a Man
Working a shift one day at the carwash, I was having a good perve on my co-workers.
99% of them were foreign males. That's just the nature of the business I guess. I was doing my job wiping down the dash boards when one of the young guys asked me if I would go to dinner with him! I was stoked & I quickly agreed!
Weeks passed & the next thing I knew this guy had somehow moved in with me. I have no idea at what point this happened. Though he was great… did the dishes, vacuumed the floor, cleaned the bathroom… I felt like I had hit jackpot living with my foreign man.
Seeking A Visa
One day I was getting ready to go to my new job in management when i came out of the bathroom & saw my new beau packing his suitcase. I was confused because at the time he had quit his job & was just focussing on University because he was nearly finished. He had not mentioned anything to me about packing & moving.
“Where are you off to?” I asked; while getting ready to go & doing my hair.
“I'm leaving. Just going to go back to my friends house. My visa runs up soon so I'm going to go.”
I was dumbfounded. “Aren't you going to get a job once you finish? You told me you will get sponsored.”
“Thats probably not going to happen, so I'm not going to stay here. I'll just go back to my country. The only way I can stay is if we get married.”
In tears, I obliged.
I told my friends & they knew straight away, he had laid it down on a plate for me. He was marrying me for a visa. My gut agreed…. But I was finally going to be an adult! I was going to be married so, therefore I would be happy.
I imagined a future…
Three months later we had a budget wedding. He was not keen on spending money on my dress or his tie & he complained the whole time. My gut tied in a knot, but I told myself I was finally an adult!
We spent the next seven months arguing relentlessly. He wasn't looking for a job but happily resting on his visa & the money I was making as a manager was all getting sent back to his country. I cooked dinner every night which would sometimes get thrown in the bin because he would rather go to KFC.
He got bigger & bigger sitting on the couch all day eating salted peanuts….
A Time to Leave
I decided to leave after a day of him ignoring me. I threw my $50 wedding ring at him & I left.
I drove away & stayed on the other side of the city for a few weeks. I made him file the divorce. We were officially divorced about six months later.
By this stage I was 22 & felt old. I felt like an adult alright. Life had thrown me a curve call & Metaphorically smacked me in the gut.
Why have I made you sit through my sappy story? Well this was one of the best life lessons I could have had.
Lessons Learned from My Past Relationship
DISCLAIMER: No, I am not for a second recommending divorce to everyone! (Unless you are being used for a visa, having your income controlled & freedom of speech taken from you in your own home.)
What I have learnt, & what I am wanting to pass onto you is:
Always trust your gut, & I mean ALWAYS. Before I got married my gut told me that this was a bad idea, but I went against my gut & did it anyway. Bad move.
Trust your closest friends. My best friend stopped talking to me & refused to come to the wedding because she could see right through Mr Foreign. She was right. My heart wouldn't listen to her but my gut fully agreed.
DON'T get a joint bank account. Maybe after awhile its ok, maybe in some situations it ok. I don't know. But I honestly could never do it again. I am in control of my own finances now. I have been with my current man (fiance now) for nine years & only I control my own money
Stay true to you. In my marriage, I lost myself. I lost my passions. I was put down. I wanted to be a hypnotherapist & I was told I was stupid. Hypnotherapy is my calling & 10 years on I am a comedy stage hypnotist & hypnotherapist.
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MOVE FORWARD, DON'T LOOK BACK!
This is a cliche, I know, & I apologise...Or do I? This was such a hard lesson to learn & I am still learning to do it. Don’t dwell on your past. I wasted so many years in my teens & twenties being depressed & feeling like a child. I would cry over my mistakes. Dwell on the mean things people would say. Now, as a 31 year old I am happily engaged to a man who truly loves me (& is a citizen… just saying…) Life takes twists & turns. Things get better. You can do this. You can get through this.
Are you depressed or anxious? Just go see a therapist. It's ok if Hypnotherapy is not your thing (it has changed my life) but seek help when you need it. Go & see a counsellor. It really helps having someone else there to help you & support you. If they are a registered professional they will never judge you & they will help you figure out why you are stressed or depressed, because it is ok to sometimes not know & it's okay to not be okay.
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