The Road to Vulnerability
After years of toxic relationships, dud dates, swiping left & only half arsed pursuing Mr Right, I lost my ability to be vulnerable.
How Pursuing Mr. Right Hardened Me
Those years, in my early to mid 20s, took so much away from me after I gave too much of myself to the people I loved or the men I thought I loved at the time. That was the thing; I was a giver. A listener. A loyal friend. Those qualities would constantly get me into trouble when I was off my game.
A Giver Who Gives Too Much
I'd fall too hard. Jump ahead too quick. Plan too much & grow anxious when I was told to ‘go with the flow,’ in new relationships. What the hell is ‘going with the flow’ if you've just been hurt? What the hell is ‘going with the flow’ if you still feel too much? What the hell is ‘going with the flow’ if you are still trying to protect yourself with walls as high as Mt Kilimanjaro?
Getting Hurt & building Walls
I battled for a long time to be open until I realised that I didn't want to be. I couldn't.
I forced myself to go on dates, say I'd moved on, give boys a chance when in reality I was only lying to myself. I was holding on to too many scars. Once I learnt to let them go, discuss them & be my true self, I began to be more open. The thought of getting hurt wasn't so scary.
Letting Go of Past Hurts & Letting Love In
The thought of being vulnerable was actually desired.
I discovered that it was a risk not to take a risk & being open to new opportunities & relationships can lead you to somewhere beautiful. I began to yearn for someone who I could be vulnerable with. Who would see me on good & bad days & still love me. Who would be there for me when I needed it most. Who would listen to me when I rambled on in my most anxious moments.
It became a search to find this person who could give me the love I knew I was ready to give them. It was a difficult search with many setbacks & disappointments but also many lessons learnt along the way. Ultimately, it made me stronger & prepared me for meeting this person who could handle me at my most vulnerable.
It's The Long Road That Leads To The Most Worthwhile Destination
I'm not saying the road to reclaiming my vulnerability was not challenging, nor did it happen overnight.
It was, however, a conscious choice I made & invested in to be the best person I can be for myself & others. My ability to accept the past helped me to move into a more peaceful future. I pushed myself to become more open by sharing the goals I had straight up & asking questions that would help me develop a better sense of the person sitting opposite me.
Being vulnerable is part of any loving relationship.
I want the people around me who I create new relationships with others to see just how much they mean to me by not being afraid to let them in. No more keeping them at arm’s length.
This is me. All or nothing.
A MESSAGE FROM THE ESSENTIAL LIFE
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR - BIANCA GARZIA
Bianca Garzia is from Melbourne, Australia. She is a self proclaimed puppy lover, with an addiction to buying chick lit.
Her poetry will take you on a journey, through dark & light, love & lust. Her poems are about raw, real life experiences described through the on point articulation of her emotions. She aims to inspire others to heal, grow & love through the difficult times life can bring and in addition, raise awareness of mental health through her words.