My Story & Learning to Trust Again

I met the love of my life, my soul mate, my better half, my now-fiance, on a large loss job site when I was 30-years-old. He compliments me; we compliment each other perfectly. He has the key to my heart. He is the most loving, caring, romantic guy I have ever met.

The instant I met him I felt this weird connection to him that was so familiar. Something about this man felt like home to me. He just got me from the start.

The only problem with meeting Mr. Perfect at this time in my life? The fact that I was still technically married to my husband when I first met my fiance.

Now, before you judge my actions, listen to my story.

Taking Time & Trying to Heal

Meeting My Mr. Forever

The moment our eyes met I felt the stereotypical sparks flying. His eyes are so mesmerising, and I was instantly weak in the knees. I knew I was in trouble, but my heart was so excited to have met this beautiful soul. 

I had a major problem! I was still trying to make my marriage work though it had been on the rocks for a while. I decided to just be friends with this beautiful human being though it would be most difficult.

My First Husband's Backstory

I met my first husband through his cousin who I was dating at the time. Sounds complicated I know. We instantly became good friends. I always enjoyed spending time with him while I was dating his cousin. He would come over to hang out with me while his cousin played games on Playstation.

Fast forward some time, the cousin & I split, but he & I remained friends. I dated a couple people in between but nothing worked out. We ended up hanging out one time when we were both single, & things kind of just started from there.

This was the summer of 2006.

We were together off & on for a few years, including being together through his time as a DOD civilian contractor over in Iraq for six months. After returning from over seas, we planned a wedding.

It was extravagant affair complete with the church ceremony & fancy reception. He had a blast,  while I was surrounded on all sides by everyone. I should have seen signs from the beginning that some people just shouldn't be together.

I missed them because we were best friends.

Things were great between the husband & I for a while. We had our ups & downs, but so does every relationship. He would make snide comments that I would just take as lame jokes, but they were really seeded much deeper.

I will not get into any further details about that aspect of my relationship right now. I'm not ready to truly delve into those issues at the moment.

You, Me & Baby Makes Three

All I will say about it is that things were going well for a while. We even found out we were going to be parents! I was so excited! Everything was great & going just how it was supposed to.

I was married with a baby on the way, life was perfect.

Things were great between us, it seemed, until the day we got home from the hospital from having my daughter. I don't know what changed that day. All I know is that things were very different between the husband & I.

I couldn't put my finger on it. He just seemed... different. He didn't seem like the same man I had married, or even the same man who had spent the week with me in the hospital while we were awaiting the arrival of our child. He was just different.

I stuck it out regardless because I know that I am not the easiest person the live with. I used to fight with my siblings & my mom when I lived with them, so I just figured it was normal. We started fighting more & spending less & less time together. It seems like we were only spending time together for my daughter's sake, otherwise we would be in separate rooms.

He would be playing on his computer or XBox & I would be watching TV or playing with our daughter. I stuck it out to try to keep our life together for her. It didn't work.

Then I met Mr. Perfect, & my world turned upside down.

The End of the First

I tried to make my marriage work. I stayed & was unhappy. We were friends who should have never gotten married, but I will never regret it because I had my daughter!

I arrived home one October day, after a long day at work on the large loss site. I walk into the living room & greeted the husband as I normally did.

This time the conversation went differently. He accused me of cheating on him several years prior. The story out of his mouth kept changing as he was trying to get horrid details of this illicit affair out of me. He was failing because there was no affair to speak of.

This was the last straw. He obviously was trying to dig up this for some reason, & I was sick of walking on egg shells when it came to anything. I'm sorry if you were friends with him, but he emotionally abused me. That is all I will say about that. Yes, he was an amazing friend, and up until the end, an amazing father, but he was a horrible husband.

I finally decided that I had enough of not being happy in life. I needed a change & decided to leave my husband. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, & I was seeing clearly for the first time in a long time. I was happy!

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My nightmare begins

I left my husband & moved back with my parents.

Nobody quite knew what to think, but I was relieved. I was still going to allow him to see our daughter anytime he wanted because, after all, she was a daddy's girl.  A few weeks after I left my husband, he picked up our daughter for the day. It was a Sunday morning, the morning after my family & I had a birthday party for my daughter.

He wanted to talk. We had quite a lengthy discussion as to whether or not I really wanted a divorce & all that. I told him that it was over & that it what was best for all of us. We were both very unhappy in the marriage.

I wanted to feel my light alive again. He left with my daughter.

I was on my way to the job site when my phone rang. My estranged husband was on the phone. He once again asked if I was sure about the divorce being what I wanted. I said 'yes', I believed it was what was for the best.

He then said to say goodbye to my daughter.

I said 'what?'

He said to say goodbye & that he had a bullet in the chamber for her & one for him.

I didn't even know he had a gun. He threatened to take the most precious person in my life from me, & I couldn't do anything about it. The last word I heard out of my daughter's mouth was 'Mickey'. Mickey Mouse was her favourite.

I was too late to do anything as he had carried out his plan two days before my daughter's second birthday. My estranged husband had shot my daughter in the head & then turned the gun on himself. I became a mother to an angel. The person I had trusted the most with my daughter's life had taken it from me.

The After Effects

Since then, I have had major trust issues with anyone.

I started talking to my now fiance soon after I had separated from my husband, but before I lost my daughter. After everything happened, our relationship took a giant leap fast forward. He has stuck by me through everything, the tears, the outrages, the ups & downs. He has even stuck by me through the difficult trust issues I have because of my ex-husband.

Somehow, I get through each day. Somehow, I remember to breath & carry on with the tremendous help & support from my family & my loving fiance.

The wall is built back up around my heart, but a few beautiful souls have been able to penetrate the barrier. My wonderful fiance is the strongest!

What the future holds

It has been a difficult journey from losing my daughter, & everyday is an up hill battle with new tests. I just have to keep the faith that everything will be okay in the end, & just keep my head & heart in the right place.

I'm still in the healing phase, & I suppose I will be forever. It is awfully hard to completely move on when my daughter was so special. I recently started a website where I can post about my life & daily journey called littleangelsmama.com.

The writing may not be Nobel prize worthy, but it is definitely from the heart.

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About The Author - Jessica Shultz

My name is Jessica, and I'm a grieving mother. I have two beautiful angels in heaven & one handsome son here who is my whole world along with my fiance & step-children.