Contentment at 4AM
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It's four in the morning & I am awake.
My thoughts keep tumbling around inside my head & they're keeping sleep from me. Words & phrases fill my mind & at this hour it's so easy just to let go & overflow. Like the waves of treacherous, tumultuous waters, my thoughts flood their banks, the levies break & there is no controlling the beastly tides of my mind's river.
Contentment & Love
There's a body in the bed next to me. Sprawled facedown in a tangle of blankets, this body is beautiful & I touch it gently because I love it & because touching him is a privilege. As I pull my hand away, he doesn't stir, & I return to the sloshing whirlpool of my thoughts.
We are symbolic creatures - our symbols are words. Words float through the air as tiny vibrations, they stumble clumsily into ears & create communication. He and I communicate almost ceaselessly. So much information passes between us - from lips to ears - we speak of our pasts, we share our separate presentness, & we talk about our future of togetherness.
Like the colours of my mind's river, our future looms bright & beautiful. I want to swim toward it, keep going until I can't see land, & then I am in this moment again with this body beside me, heavy in our bed. I love this body, & I'm not in a rush to be anywhere else but here.
The Gratitude of Love
Existence is fleeting, & I am so grateful for his.
I think about the places I have been, I think about the people who had been there, & I think about the pain of moving on. I think of the searing pain of the tearing & ripping into separateness & I know that with this one, that will never be. There's nowhere I want to be more, & no-one bigger inside my proverbial heart. It's like I was saving space for this body & he fits inside that space so beautifully. Instead of separateness, there's completeness.
The Privilege of Love
Thinking of the places of the past & of all the people who were there, I am reminded of the joytude of knowing another's soul. Real or imagined, this body's soul is profoundly heavy, & astounding in all of its weight.
Like the wind in a boat's sails, the pieces of him are blow-me-away magnificent. I am enraptured by his storm, & never have I been so pleasantly lost inside the depths of someone else. I am so thankful for his depths & his profundity. More than that, I am so far beyond grateful to have the privilege of a front-row seat to this body's life.
I sit here, at four in the morning, a body lost in the waves of my own thoughts & my own feelings. I sit here with grandness beside me like an anchor, & I think of his words, the things we share & the feelings that pass from him to me & me to him...I am suddenly aware that I am happy.
Deep inside my own internal waters, I have already swam out into open waters, & left land far behind. In these open waters, there is a body beside me just as he is in our bed, & like the romantic ending of a cheesy movie, I know that I won't drown.
It's four in the morning and it's time to get some sleep.