All Things Beautiful, All Things Finite, All Things Gone

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“Do not take special efforts to save life. Death is intended”

-Guy Waterman.

Tonight is all quiet spaces, empty rooms & the ghost of you. You were all sunshine & chocolate bars. You were so beautifully heavy, your weight touched us all in ways I’d never even imagined. I can still feel you, years removed from your presence. I still dream of you & the smell of your skin, the way it felt to fall asleep with you to know that you were as evanescent as a dream yet as palpable as my own skin. To know that daylight would wash over us & I would be taken by your beautiful blue. You are gone but you are here, your memory affects me as though you were my blood and I want to wallow here. I want to sit here, in this place, with this feeling.  I want to remain completely stationary while the world spins around us. I want you to be the whirring in my ears, this deafening sound that keeps me here tied to a ghost of memories that have passed me by. I want so badly to not have to keep going.

“I hold it true, whate’er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.”

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I forgive this man these words as he never had the chance to love you. You, the greatest tragedy to befall us all. Someone else said something smarter, they said “here is just a pit stop. He was just stopping by”, & I know that I was blessed to have the grace of your existence envelope the ferocity of the whirlwind that is my life. I know that I am better for having known you, better still for having held you but my God do I miss you.

I think often that this could have gone differently. If I had been stronger, if I had been able to hold more of your weight for you. That month was harder than you’d believe, but I still left. I thought that you needed the space. I thought that you needed a place to be nothing but your own. I thought that we could breath the air of separateness & come together better for the time apart. I don’t know what I was thinking.

A Rearview Mirror View

Sitting here now with the 20/20 clarity of hind sight, my fierce hand never should have touched your solace. I am better for your life but all you are is gone. Like so many things that have flown in & out of my life, all the things I have touched & let go, you are nowhere now. You are lost to whatever ripped you from this place & I am sitting here, a bottle of wine in one hand & the only thing that I have left is a vague impression of you & who you used to be.

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