This is What I Wish I Had Said to You
I spent a lot of time going back to that place - the place where you put me. I spent a lot of time recounting the events, & chewing over the reasons why. I spent a lot of time crying as the memories of our time together played over & over again in my mind on repeat until I became the way you treated me.
The Things I Wish I Had Said to You
Mistakes I Made
I let you make me small. I let you cut me down. I let you away with everything, & then I left. Why couldn't you just leave me gone?!
I can put up with a lot. I can excuse almost any behaviour. I can chalk it up to what I am worth, or how I acted. I am an expert at stuffing things down into the abyss of my emotional black hole. I can bend & contort myself to fit into the place where you want me to be. I did all of this for you. I bent for you, I adjusted for you, & you played your stupid little head games. I smiled when you called to sing about how you loved me, & I cried when you ignored me for days at a time & couldn't be bothered with me.
Why did you do that?
With you, it was back & forth all the time. It feels so good to be loved. There is comfort & acceptance in that word, & who doesn't want that? I certainly want to feel loved, & the word sounded so lovely when it passed through your lips.
Love is a word though, & without action, words are wind. You were a master of words - they fell from your mouth framed by the promise of gentle moments of togetherness. There was never any follow through though...just words, & you were so good at them. You knew just what to say to keep me standing & waiting.
Give & Take
There were words & then silence, words & then silence. There were words & I begged you to come across that silence & meet me half way. You did not give & inch. You stood there & ignored my pleas. You said you loved me, & then there was silence.
In that silence I wondered what was so wrong with me. Why was it so easy for you to real me in & then discard me, only to real me in again?
I wondered until I couldn't wonder anymore.
I don't know if I present myself to be something other than what I am, but hiding myself has never been my forte. I am blatantly myself, & blatantly plain. I don't know if you expected something else, something with a little more flavour. I don't know what you expected or what you wanted. I asked you once, but in all of my questions you remained silent, so I left.
Learning to Leave
You became a part of my past, a piece that I didn't ever want to remember.
You were a question mark & like all the question marks that came before you, I ignored it. I put you deep into the abyss of my past & never thought about you again...except that you have this way of refusing to stay gone & suddenly I'm asking questions again.
Do you just need someone to toy with?! Is it like a cat before they're about to take the life of their prey? The cat plays with the mouse first. He will paw at it, claw it, hold it in his jaws. He will let it feel the power he wields over the mouse's tiny life. He will show the mouse that the cat alone controls whether the mouse's life will continue or end.
Then he will let the mouse scurry away with the belief that it has earned it's freedom. The cat watches the mouse as he staggers away, scathed & bleeding. Just as the mouse gets close enough to anticipate the relief of freedom, the cat pulls it in again only to start the process over.
Is that what it is to you? Is it some sort of cat & mouse game? I DON'T WANT TO PLAY!
The cat plays with the mouse out of instinct, & because the cat is a species that is not capable of empathy or of knowing right from wrong. What is your excuse?
To be honest, it doesn't matter what your excuse is. The reason why is wholly irrelevant. Just move on & stay gone.
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